Part 17: Episode XVII: It's Not Really an Exciting Conclusion

Now, where were we?
At your stupid cliffhanger...

Oh, right right. That was pretty silly, in retrospective. Much like releasing this game to the public.
What kind of tool actually buys something like this?

Let us speak on it no further...

Factory Worker's Diary

That 'guilt' being a raging boner.

Minorities, sure, but still people.

Nebraska!

Nebraska!

Back in the low-res polygon breeding room...
Those bastards!
Ivy's have escaped from their containers.
It would seem Capcom maybe lost the monster files for that or the team that made Resident Evil 2 wouldn't give them up. Regardless, the Ivy's have the spitting attack animation, and that's it.
You see how it's standing there. It's not actually standing, it's sliding across the floor like a cardboard cutout on wheels slowly toward our guy.
At least they're consistent.

Vinnie heads back to the Dino Crisis set and uses the activation key.

There's no indication what this device does, why he'd need to use it, or anything like that. There's just a console that demands activating with keys.
If it means we get out of here, I'm all for it.

I had to check the map to see what the hell that did and even then I was a bit iffy. But, a panel on the way to the polygon room has lit up. Sure, it was a blurry generic texture of a panel #31 earlier.
But now, it shines blue!

Pressing it opens the world's slowest shutters.
I timed it...this takes a full 24 seconds to finish raising all three of these things while the Ivy's sit by idly. Unskippable, I might add.

Under the shutter.

The gangrenous lesions all over his body, decaying flesh, and blood caked clothes weren't a direct tip-off.

That jerk had a key to a nearby elevator.

Which in turn leaned to more shutters.
They've almost caught up to our game shutter count.
I'd say they're well over us, relatively speaking.

Vincent enters the giant biohazard doors

Dear God... They're breeding trench coats for the Matrix sequels!
Nooooooo!

So do they grow the trench coats on the monsters. Or take the monsters out, put a coat on them, and stick them back in? I'm confused.
This is another one of those things to think little on.

A less than epic battle ensues.

That kid still isn't dead?

Hey, Claire. Don't you have a battery operated one of those?
Fuck you...

The sad part is, the model from 1996 looks better than the new kid's model from this game.

Yay!

Awwwww...

You're going to have to actually walk over there and get him, fellow.

Oh God! He dislocated his shoulder!
Alright, the 3D models suck. We get it.

Uh-oh! Spagetti-O's!

Why do they keep having not remotely threatening enemies pop up and presented as a challenge. Do they think we'll believe the first 30 were just a warm up and this one is the real deal?

Vincent lifts Felix Lott up.

His hands are bigger than that kid's entire upper torso...

I...wait... Weren't we just talking about me nearly falling to my death? You're a kooky wanker.

Dun-dun-duuuuuuuh!

The same reason I'm about to run away from you right now. Please, sir. Put your arms back to your side.

Another flashback is calling...

Yes, they transferred a high ranking official here wearing the attire of a college kid going out for beers. Why do you ask?

I'm Andy B. Gullible.

Though, why I was hanging out in the back room of a sewer dwelling pervert dwarf's lair in the first place...? A story for another day.

Don't you want more information about hi-
I said you are a good boy. Run along.

Yes, you bleedin' yank. Didn't you see the lousy flashback?

A surveillance camera?!

Well, that should totally help us get off the friggin' island.

So "let's go get Lily" means "you go back through the undead and mutant filled labs, through the old mansion, across the mountain pass with SWAT team monsters, over the tram, and hope she's not devoured by zombies - by yourself".

It looks like even the island has had it with this game and is just going to end itself to escape.

Leon... Heh... This is the same Leon you sent the e-mail to get your brother's help...?
Uhh... Well... Fuck...
Hey, fuck you guys! I didn't know the guy would end up in this.
Go away, Leon. You're starring in a Game Boy Color game next. There may be a correlation between this horror and that.
Hey, screw you! I'll get in a good sequel. Just you watch.
How did you even get on here?
Teleporter in the back. Same as the Tyrant.
Eh, good enough for me.
Right, I've got to get back. Got some meeting with my new partner... Mouser or something...
The min-boss from Mario Brothers 2?
Shit, it wouldn't surprise me at this point.
Hey! Check your e-mail when you get home!
Yeah, yeah. See ya...
Who was that guy anyway?
Just a sad, strange little man.
I like his hairstyle.
No you don't. Now let's get going.

What tipped you off? It was setting the office on fire, wasn't it? Darn, I knew I should have held off on that.

So, a little brat going 'nuh-uh, you're Ark' triggers his memory. But, seeing a dogtag with his name etched clearly on it, being held by a guy, meaning he'd clearly ripped it off someone. This same guy fell to his death and Ark narrowly escaped from a crashed helicopter wreckage.
That's right.
Never figured he might have been Ark?
No, ma'am.

We get it!

More shutters. Shutters with shutters behind them. Shutters inside shutters!

The final key out of here and the last file we're going to have to read on in here.
Beta Hetero Nonserotonin

In short, kids that masturbate more than three times a day.

Someone at Capcom was a bit too in to their pseudo-science fanfic.

Ark heads back out. A bullet strikes near his feet.

*snort* This is really the best we'll see as a villain?
There were other guys. But, I feel he fits the overall theme of the game best.

Either you're the psychotic and should be well known head of the island or you're NO ONE!!

No! Not the...what's he holding?

There's no stereotypical violent Tyrant impale. It just sort of passes its hand through him. Like, a shy caress of claws.

And he was such a compelling villain.
How is this thing released again?
That's what Andy was just asking, wasn't it?

This boss is easily dispatched by...walking backwards slowly and firing. Then, running past him when reaching a wall and continuing to do so.

Ark runs off.

It's not dead?! That never happens in these games.
I am truly shocked.

Up ahead, doors explode open for no reason!
What was that about!
Did you miss the part of lack of reasoning?

I'm not sure how you got all the way back to your house, all the way back, then somehow ahead of me past locked doors. But, whatever.

Ark activates the tram. The last bit of Cleaners attempt to stop him before fading into the bowels of minor enemy obscurity.

Nice happy music plays. As there's obviously not going to be another boss fight. No sir.

They head outside.

So...you kids were planning to pilot a helicopter out of here?
That's about as believable as you flying this plane.
Shut up! Hey, how can the thing even be physically parked that close to the shutter door and still have helicopter blades?
No more talking...

Fellow. Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?

No, boss. You're good.

Though, it does seem someone forgot to render your leg textures...

Once more, backing up slowly renders 90% of this boss's attacks ineffective.
To make no mention it's stunned every time it's shot with a shotgun blast.

Big boy takes enough damage and starts growing.

Wow, that was totally seamless.

Ah yes, and we cannot forget the ever needed glaring weak point exposed heart.
Iron Mike at least shaped up on that front.
Then again, Iron Mike didn't get a chance to show me his true form!

A face only a horribly mutated radioactive mother could love.

It's new form is...exactly the same as its old form. Only slightly faster, and it can block one out of every six shots.

Needless to say, it dies...

So he and the kids slowly pushed the helicopter out onto the landing pad?

Yes, the only money shot you get is a slowly expanding white orb which quickly expands after a few seconds.
Still more than we got for Rockfort.
I'm starting to doubt that place really exploded...

Well, someone left the oven on.

The chopper suddenly shakes.

You're shitting me.
Jesus Christ!
What, was it propelled several thousand feet by the nuclear blast?

"Hey, it's just as plausible as the boss fight the girly over there just had."

STEEEEEEELLLLAAA!

How very dramatic.

Well, your parents are dead, as is everyone and everything you've ever known and loved. Now you're stuck with an unbalanced jerk who likes to touch kids. It's a hard knock life...

Which was apparently none too long.
That was it? That was the final line? Why did you make me play this?
I don't know...it's felt like years ago since then. I'm taking a nap.

Yeah, me too. By the way, that end time? I left the game unpaused for 25 minutes and just said 'fuck it' since I wasn't restarting. Anyway, tune in next time for the proper game in Episode XVIII: Snow Crash

Bonus Content

Ark's big reveal!
Video

Poor Andy DeVito:
Video

The exciting conclusion!  Not really 
Video